my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
