I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
