You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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