I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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