I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
