Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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