i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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