Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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