Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
