Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
