East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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