I smell stomach acid.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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