so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
