Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Drunk is not a location!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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