just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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