I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I will be naked everywhere
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
as a side note pls kill me
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
