Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
