so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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