you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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