I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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