I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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