I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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