the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Randomize
