i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
