i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
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You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
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I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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