Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
