cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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