OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
