I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
