Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i out mim tonsoeep
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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