Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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