I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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