can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
