My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
