Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I met the friendliest cop last night
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
