If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
