dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
