Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
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So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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