guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
