I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize