I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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