At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
