Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
