I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
