just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
