Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
