i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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