I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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