is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
