He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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