we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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