Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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