Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
