Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
