Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
