we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
