It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
