Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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